They turned to walk back into the house. Derek held Ella’s corsage, as she gracefully picked up the dress with both hands to walk.
Anneliese said, “Oh- I forgot to change! Give me just a minute!”
Ella said, “No! Mom, we don’t have time for that!”
Anneliese’s face fell- she looked to James for resolution.
James said, “I know you guys are already running late- let’s at least quickly take a few now.” James had the camera arranged in seconds, there was no time to argue.
Anneliese stood next to Ella in a worn cotton striped pullover and baggy jeans; James stood on the other side of Derek. She acutely felt dismay, the muscles of her face were set. She struggled to force a smile, bursting with what she had wanted to say to her daughter, and ashamed of her appearance. She felt increasingly overwhelmed as the pomp of this display played out. James had said she could change things. She had really wanted to get it right this time, she had even practiced. There wasn’t going to be enough time now, it was all happening so fast.
Ella and Derek left to go to the Childer’s home. Anneliese dallied upstairs, changing into dress pants and a blouse, and fretting. She imagined the group pictures would be happening now. Derek’s parents would be there, expecting to meet them. What would she say to them? Twenty minutes passed.
James yelled up the stairs again, “Anneliese- we need to leave now!”
In the silent car ride, she felt increasingly disconnected, as if fog had descended around her. James knew better than to engage her in conversation, when he sensed detachment. She looked over at him as he drove. She saw in his face that he was pleased with Ella, she was an amazing girl. And they had a wonderful relationship.
Other parents, all dressed up, would be sloshing their wine glasses, and taking endless pictures. Stranger’s faces, the excited babble, the superficiality of it, the intense social pressure of behaving joyously for such an event grossly conflicted with her private struggles. Her mind engaged in circumspection, a parade of indelible past failures, and a gradual frailty overcame her muscles.
They were almost there. The fog surrounding her morphed into the huge frightening weighted blanket, the familiar phantom returned, an embodiment of her depressed mood, her inability to cope. The blanket of darkness descended around her, crushed her, flattening her body until all that remained were her shoulders and head. It inflicted not a physical pain, but a grounding out, a slow erasing of self. It had been a few years since she felt the weighted blanket, but she knew it well- her old demon, it heralded a dark period, it accompanied her lowest points. As James parked at the end of a long line of cars on the edge of their driveway, that last little bit of self was crushed down under the overwhelming weight of the blanket.
She blinked forcefully to give herself something to focus on in the physical world around her and attempted to swallow a hard ball in her throat. James got out of the car onto the pavement, closed the car door, and turned to wait for her. She was grateful the bright light outside shattered the haunting vision behind her eyes. There were cars everywhere, another set of well-dressed parents having just parked behind them, were chatting excitedly, walking up the driveway.
